Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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