I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
