Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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