I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
