he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
