pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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