i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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