The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
