Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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