I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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