Too much gin, very little bucket
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
God, I missed his penis.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
