1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
