Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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