What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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