I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
