I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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