Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
