He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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