I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
