Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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