she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He? As in you personified your dick?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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