well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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