my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I cut my penus on the lid.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
