Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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