Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
