I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
