my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
