last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Blood and glitter go together right?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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