It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
