I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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