I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
