I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
