I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
not ubering you a puppy
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
