Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
