Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
