Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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