At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Fuck appropriateness.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
