dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
