I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
