We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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