Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
