do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
