Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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