If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
