I think my fart just growled at me.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
