woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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