chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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