Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
