Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
