i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
