i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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