She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
