Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
